so i am blogging today after more than a month's silence or laziness. tired after a long day and wanting to sleep because of the gentle rain outside, but wanting more to share some special moments that God sent my way this afternoon.
it was a great day with my kiddies - they were the best-behaved that i can remember! they really had a bad week last week and i had almost no desire to go back to work today. but they were so delightful - quiet and obedient and fun, and it was so neat to watch them see how great it is to be good and be rewarded for it! we really enjoyed each other and it's been a long time since that happened. but my stomach is acting up again and the pain was pretty bad through most of the day. i managed through it somehow and got permission to leave a bit early (it ended up only being a whopping 20 minutes early). Went straight to bed and woke up after about an hour. I was just getting reacquainted with the world and making plans to go for a jog and hit the supermarket when the bell rang. it does that a lot. i was quite surprised to see the lady who does my nails at the door with her kids and 2 others! then -i remembered. i went over there last week so she could teach me to cook. she was so sweet to buy and prepare all the food, so i invited her over here to make cookies. apparently i picked a day, though i don't remember doing so.....but they certainly did!
after hesitating over whether to go with it or to postpone, i decided to just seize the opportunity. so they came on in and we set up at our big dining room table. praise the Lord for colmados (little corner stores on literally almost every corner) - i sent the older girl for eggs, and we were good to go. i loved seeing the process through their eyes. chocolate chips were magical, and egg-cracking a careful art. the cookie dough i've thrown together countless times was something they had never seen. they were open-mouthed at my fun Pampered Chef cookie scoop and how it made perfectly round circles on the tray. i had little shadows at my heels each time i checked the baking process in the kitchen and predictions of how many more minutes we had to wait. in the meantime, i taught them Uno. even Daysi, the mom, had fun tossing skips and draw twos. thankfully for us all, her little boy won just as he was on the verge of tears!
as they were about to leave and i was going to go back to regularly-scheduled programming, a thunderstorm rolled in. so we went to plan B, and my amazing roomie let me borrow a movie and helped me shove the couch across the room so they could watch Annie with Spanish subtitles. as i watched all of them cuddle on the couch under blankets Christy brought out, while we made dinner in the kitchen, i was very grateful for the moments like these that God allows me - grateful for the privilege of opening my home and heart and of all that i am taught in the process. grateful for when He keeps me from being selfish and scheduled and secluded and gives me surprising joys in unexpected ways.
then there was my magic clothing box - i have a good supply of clothes that people have sent, and it always seems to mysteriously produce what is needed. a couple of weeks ago, it produced 3 dresses of 3 different sizes for 3 beautiful little girls. tonight, i managed to find a new shirt for 3 of the kids and a whole new outfit for Diana, the teenager who came along! her pretty face lit up, and what a blessing to see - her poor family lives way out in the campo and she is only able to visit them on some weekends. the reason is that she can attend school, but she told me last week that she dislikes school and feels unsafe because of all the fighting. but in the campo, the school only goes till 4th or 5th grade. so this is her better - her only - choice. and again i am struck squarely with perspective, and with how God is good and merciful, not fair.
i didn't get my exercise in, and i probably won't input all the grades i need to. my night will be a bit later than i had hoped for and i didn't scratch everything off of my to-do list that i wanted to. but i hope that i got a little taste of being the kind of neighbor i am called to be, and of earning more of a hearing and opportunity to share a "reason for the hope that is in me".
more of these "island vignettes" to come, i hope!

i know i am a saint, by virtue of being a christian, which is delightful. but it's a pretty high standard too - requiring lots of things. thankfully, there is grace - but sometimes i am associated that the world saint is applied to me!
i haven't blogged in a while, so here's a random one about the days' happenings. It was not the best, to be totally honest. Though there were blessings throughout - the continual smiling presence and help of my sweet new aide, Alicia. The fact that I felt better than I have since last week sometime.....seem to feel better the less I eat......
let's start with this morning. one of my students ran away. yes, you read right! she was mad about something - she is very emotional and passionate - and literally ran out the gate and into the street. to make it worse, it took me a while to notice. our mornings are very busy, with a thousand getting-started things for me: collecting homework, doing attendance and hot lunch lists, sending kids to the bathroom and to get water, pencils sharpened, giving out papers from the day before to correct.....finally noticed k. wasn't there. i thought it was odd, since i hadn't sent her to the bathroom. so i sent alicia to look for her. i got worried after a while and ran to the office. that's where i found out that she had run away. praise God that our gate guard saw her and chased her. apparently she was running and shrieking! i almost cried a couple of times thinking about it. apparently, she almost ran to the very busy street our school is off of. so then it was trying to juggle her, my feelings about it, my class, the psychologist and the director. and her father showed up. was there most of the day. what he said to her was good, though totally lacking any reference to God - more "chin up" and "think positive thoughts". so there's that and i'm hoping for future interaction when i'm thinking more clearly to bring the gospel in. the situation is definitely not over - my girlie was making so much progress and now she's playing the drama queen/diva again!
let's see. oh yes, when i was talking to her after she finally came back to class and pitched another fit, i managed to snag my pants on an errant nail while kneeling with my back to the wall. yes, friends, hole in the rear. jacket tied around waist, i tried to leave for just a few minutes to find new pants (monday's stained ones had to do - it was khaki day and they were all i had) and to rustle up some yummy gluten-free grub. before that, there was no one at all on supervision for the kids' lunch and our director was MIA. i left anyway and came back having stuffed my face at the kitchen counter. then my kids were TERRIBLE in the afternoon! the grand finale of the day was that i offered to take detention for a friend who wasn't feeling well. rather than finishing at 4, i got to stay with one slacker student (i mean that literally, not unkindly - he should not be attending the school due to his complete lack of effort or care) until 4:30.
this doesn't mean things can't get better! heading for prayer mtg. in about an hour, and also trying to take some extra time to pray tonight. there is a day of prayer and fasting for a pastor friend in costa rica who has inoperable cancer. he has a wife and 5 kids under 21. i taught the 2 youngest in a family conference kids' program a few summers back, and have met the whole family. so there are faces and personalities attached to my prayers. and i plead for faith to believe that there CAN be a miracle, even if God does not ALLOW one!
there's my perspective again - from moaning about a less than perfect day to going before the Throne to plead for the very life of a young pastor, husband and father! i've seen the struggle and witnessed the grief when we didn't understand His ways, when precious friends lost loved ones at a young age. and i've known the inexpressible triumph of answered prayers and extraordinary, miraculous happenings! may His will be done and may it be embraced.

writing on a beautiful sunday morning after church - our first sunny day in a while!! i am enjoying the tail end of some lovely quiet time with the house to myself....the girls took a beach trip this weekend, and since i have plans to be away the next 3 weekends in a row, i knew it would be much less stressful just to stay here. and it has! slept late yesterday, went to the salon, spent time with clarissa and her girls....got some work done - and had long chats with THREE friends from home. pretty much my 3 best in the world - what a gift i have in them: anne in philly, esther home in NJ and gchatting with nicole in zimbabwe!
but the purpose of this entry is not to describe what a gift this weekend has been, rather to share current thoughts on a particular struggle of mine. and possibly some other people in the world also
i'm not sure exactly what to call it...some sort of conglomeration of covetousness, discontentment and lack of trust. and i don't have any proof beyond experience, but it seems that women seem to struggle more than men. it has been a main part of all my recent discussions with girlfriends as we wrestle with trials and thoughts and responses and trying to be even vaguely like our Father.
think back to the first sin. yeah, the First Couple disobeyed God. but what and who did they listen to? a compelling whisperer that told them that God was holding something back - His best. so really, our sister Eve stopped trusting God. she began to believe the lie that He was a cosmic kill-joy, that He did not have her best interests in mind, that absolute happiness was outside of what He had given her - just a step beyond what He had allowed into the forbidden zone. now, at the time, she didn't have anyone besides Adam to compare herself to. and they were in the mess together. but we do. we have ample opportunities to listen to insidious whispers, to long for what others have because obviously they are more blessed than we! it's the same serpent, beloved ones. the lover and father of lies!
i spend way too much time and energy on comparison and trying desperately to be content. i'm not even safe inside my own bedroom because my thoughts all too often are wayward and not brought as captives under the lordship of Jesus. and step outside? - wow! there are so many options for me...the peppy size 4 girls who are naturally athletic and would rather bound up a sheer cliff than eat chocolate or white flour; friends my age and younger who have been wooed and won by godly men and are currently decorating cute homes and producing cuter offspring; those who are naturally inclined to be sweet and quiet and unsarcastic - even to "listen to a matter" before they answer!; teachers at Christian schools that function somewhat normally and where the staff is equally yoked and equally passionate; people who don't struggle with chronic illnesses; others whose family lives are used as examples in tributes and sermons and whose pictures decorate glossy covers of christian magazines or books.......... does this ring true with anyone else?
it must with some, because i've heard the lies i sometimes believe spoken back to me by precious women of God. and most of their discontment, struggle and sadness comes from the horrible art of comparison.
one very beloved woman seems to have every right to battle daily sorrow - her one child, who by grace, is following their mutual Saviour, is far away, and has not yet been gifted with a man after God's own heart;....she has birthed and raised 2 rebellious sons - one of whom disappears for weeks at a time and knows not the pigsty he is in nor shows a desire to return to his Father;....the other seems to flaunt his teenage angst and foolishness in her face - both apparently disregarding decades of constant sacrifice;...... a daughter has tried for all of her adult life to grasp both Christ and the world in her hands and remains impervious to correction and scornful of authority, finding some sort of happiness in what should not bring her any joy (he who is a friend to the world is...My enemy)..... financial struggles and deep marital issues have been primary in her intercession for more than 30 years. she is a woman of great prayer and faith, but sometimes weak and worn down in hope. and the temptation that is common to (wo)man plagues her as well - all she has to do is look at the friend next to her in church or a co-worker in her christian school to see what in her eyes seems an unfair amount of trials, a exorbitantly-long number of seasons eaten by locusts and not, as yet, restored to her.
i feel hypocritical giving any sort of exhortation on this topic - but perhaps i may simply speak truth to my own soul and encounter others who need the same! a biblical mentor tells us that he has learned (not woke up one day) to be content in ANY circumstance! and what about job - who was left with nothing to love EXCEPT the Giver?? so i submit that it is not about rights or deservingness - and though godliness and faithfulness are rewarded, they cannot demand or merit anything when they stand alone. sure, i would like to be thinner and married and more patient - perhaps breathtakingly beautiful but i am not, and i must be content, and God is sovereign. it is not my right to see others' secret struggles and pain, but methinks i would be slower to protest if i saw the trials underneath and behind those who seem so appealing and successful. and so, having God and all that He chooses to give me, i must be content. not looking over my shoulder, nor sizing up the competition, nor feeding my always-cooperative martyr complex. no, but rejoicing in the TRUTH! friends, self, world - life, breath and all else are gifts that can never be repaid. may we go forth, not coveting, but in great JOY!